School
of Social Work,
University
of New South Wales,
Australia
This paper will discuss the findings of a qualitative
research project that invited a sample of gay men from
Sydney Australia to discuss the place of extra relational
sex in their committed relationships. The idea for the
project arose from the author’s work as a therapist
working with gay/ queer men and male couples on
relationship issues in which the theme of extra relational
sex recurred regularly. The project aims to contribute to
the existing psycho therapeutic literature on the subject
in the hope of assisting same sex attracted men and those
who care for them deal with these complex issues. 24 gay
and queer identifying men (ranging in age from 21-70)
participated in in-depth semi structured interviews
conducted by the author.
The narratives in response to the
research questions that each man contributed were richly
contextualised by his stories of coming out and how he
came to construct his sexual identities, his family
background and his general male couple relationship
functioning and these will be drawn on to illustrate
particular scenarios. Despite a relatively small sample a
diverse range of situations and experiences around extra
relational sex emerged.
This paper will focus on three
themes from the data. These are i) The dynamic and
evolving nature of their relationship arrangements; ii)
The centrality of personal and political values in
informing their relationship decisions and iii) The
effects of personal and relational power on their
relationship choices. Running through each man’s account
of the place of outside sex in his relationship is a
yearning to act in ethical, loving and honest ways towards
himself and his partners. Some are achieving this while
for others it is a struggle. Yet in each of these stories
there are valuable lessons and ideas and signposts that
have the potential to help other gay /queer men and those
who care for them.
About Paul Andrews
Paul Andrews MSW (Couple and Family Therapy)has worked
as a counsellor, manager and supervisor in various health
and non government agencies in Sydney Australia. He is
completing a PhD on which the above paper is based at the
UNSW.
